postpartum "weight loss"

I know I seem to talk about my weight/working out a lot on the blog. It's a big part of my life right now, so I can't seem to avoid spilling my guts about it a lot. (If you're tired of it feel free to skip this post!) I've written about my P90X3 journey, how literally insane Insanity is, a little about my hypothyroidism, eating better... you name it, I've tried it and written it and it's been hard.

Not the writing about it. The living it.

It's hard to not be jealous of friends or strangers who seem sprightly and immediately back in shape right after they have a baby. I know my thyroid problems and the fact that I don't look like what I did before Kate aren't my *fault* necessarily but the jealousy still comes.

I usually have to talk myself down if I see a mom with a tiny baby and a tiny waist in Target. "She doesn't have the problems you have. She has her own crosses. Live and let live, Hannah," but the nagging feeling remains.

Real talk? I'm still 20 pounds away from my pre-pregnancy weight, at 17 months postpartum...and about 30-35 pounds away from my ideal weight. It's not kosher to talk in numbers like that but I'm trying to be real around here more so I'm doing it.

The hardest part is realizing how much I'm doing, or trying to do to change it, and not seeing results. Going through P90X3 90 solid days with a change in diet and not seeing any weight loss? Really really frustrating. Emotionally draining. Motivation to keep going is pretty low when you seem to be trying your hardest and nothing changes. Especially being that consistent! Even when I was running on the cross country team in high school I didn't work out that many days in a row ever.

Obviously I'm feeling a bit better about myself since then. I didn't get treatment for my thyroid until after I had completed those 90 days - my thyroid wasn't working, preventing me from losing weight, and that is not my fault. I keep having to repeat that to myself. I was improving my health nonetheless, getting good habits started and feeling more confident.

I do love the other benefits I've gained from working out 6 days a week for the past 17+ weeks (that's over 125 workouts!). I have tons more energy. I don't feel so drained at the end of long days. Most days I am really excited to work out, because I know how much better I'll feel when it's done. I feel super proud of myself whenever I finish an especially tough workout (umm, hello, month 2 of Insanity). And the habit of working out every day is one I've tried to develop for a long time but never have succeeded with before now. So I'm grateful that I had to persevere through it all.

My medications are evening out now, and I'm starting to see the scale slightly budge. (I think the combo of my meds, Insanity, and Trim Healthy Mama are to thank for that.) Seeing it move a few pounds made me realize how utterly defeated I've been feeling up until this point. I was overjoyed to see a 1 pound loss on the scale -- ONE FREAKING POUND, people. And then I thought - how much more excited would I be if this had happened right when I started working out seriously?

But there's no way to change the past. Although there are some things I'd have done differently during pregnancy to prevent some of my current issues, I wouldn't change it for the world because it gave me Kate in all her beauty. All of this struggle has been eternally worth it for the chance to raise and be sanctified by my little girl.

I'm hoping to keep going and lose more weight, no matter how slowly it happens, but I'm also coming to terms with the fact that this is just one of my crosses in life - a very small and insignificant one in the grand scheme of things, I know, but something I will have to deal with for the rest of my life. (Who knew hormones were so important???)

Okay whew. Real talk over. Thanks for putting up with me. And pray for me? I promise to return the favor. :)
love,
HG