Not everything's always heart eye emojis.

18 November 2015

18 November 2015
Do you ever get the feeling like you want to change anything and everything about you?

I've been feeling that way lately, especially "career"-wise. Don't get me wrong, I realize how much of a blessing it is to be able to work and stay home with Kate. I really, really do. I am in awe of mothers who work outside the home and blog and have kids and make dinner and do all the things because I do very little in addition to working and keeping Kate [barely] alive during the hours of 8:00-5:00.



For example, the above photos show how much of a disaster our house is on a daily basis, and I didn't even take pictures of the worst parts because I was too embarrassed to put them on the internet (ahem, our tiny kitchen full of dirty dishes and an unswept floor, ahem). I also am terrible about meal-planning, staying on top of calendar things & appointments, doing anything remotely constructive with Kate, leaving the house to preserve my sanity, cooking good meals, etc. etc. You get the picture.

I'm not sure if it's the weather, or the slow realization that another year has gone by, but I've just felt dissatisfied with a lot of things in my life the last couple weeks, my job being the primary thing.

Haley wrote this great post awhile ago about feeling like losing your identity when you become a stay at home mom (which of course I can't find now! grrr, sorry). And I get that. I do. But I feel like I'm in this awful in-between place, where I'm not totally abandoning my education because I'm still working, but I feel the pressures of being a stay-at-home-mom because I am home all day with Kate.

It's not like my "career" is fulfilling, either. It's glorified typing and coding at a very basic level. Almost every project is the same, and there are few challenges to keep me motivated. I'm lucky to have it because it's very flexible, good money for the work, and I mostly enjoy the company I work for. But it's not fulfilling.

It's necessary for me to keep working at this point, because frankly we need the money. I'd like to consider getting a different job, something outside our house where I could interact with other adults and be somewhat more engaged, but then I think about how much I'd miss Kate during the day and what it would be like if we're blessed with baby #2 (and so on...) someday, and my heart aches at even the thought of it.

I have all these other side project ideas - like quitting my job to open a quilting shop on Etsy, because few things fulfill me like crafting and I really love creating quilts and patterns of quilts. Like subbing my ebook work for copyediting, which is something I've always loved to do (for free!) but haven't yet.

I've been trying to pray about it, but my heart is so conflicted on what I want that I'm not making much headway. One of those prayer-equivalents of a neon flashing light saying THIS WAY HANNAH would be super appreciated right now, but I'm getting the feeling that's not going to happen.

Perhaps that's what I'm supposed to be learning from this dissatisfied feeling I've been having. Periods of growth sometimes hurt. Not everything is easy-peasy-amazing-heart eye emojis all the time. Motherhood is hard, working from home is hard, lots of things are hard. I'm still learning about who I am, what He's calling me to, where I fit in, and maybe that's going to have to just be okay for now.

While I'm still figuring it all out, say a prayer for me, would you?
HG

8 comments

  1. number 1, those don't look like pictures of mess, they look like a curated collection of toys or books displayed on a floor... seriously, if you want to see mess come on over here pretty much any day ;) And I AM here all day not even trying to work.
    And as to the restlessness, I think I am not too good at adjustments and it has taken me pretty much this long - over 3 years - to adjust to being a mom, and be able to say I have some peace being at home, so don't be hard on yourself and expect it to be quick to just figure out your new mom-identity and fit perfectly into it easy peasy! Prayers for sure help and I will say some for you and if you ever can sneak out and find an adoration chapel for a few minutes (or sign up for a whole hour - and sign your husband up too - thats how I squeezed "datenight" into our life for a few months before Tessa came) but being in Jesus' presence, even if no words are exchanged, really has a way of helping some of these things get worked out. And getting the peace to accept His will, whatever it is!
    All this rambling to say I hope it gets better, but that might have more to do with peace in heart and not always with externals changing ;)
    Bless you Hannah!! You are doing a great job!!

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  2. This is my first time commenting on your blog! I also ave an 18 month old (son!) and another on the way in April (we are also Catholic!). My situation is a little different than yours- I work two afternoons outside the home and will be at home full time once the new baby comes. However, I just wanted to let you know that you are not alone in your struggle about motherhood, personhood, wifehood, etc. It's just brutal trying to maintain some sense of purpose and identity while at the same time taking care of a husband and child/children. I wish this was all leading up to some stellar advice, but it's more just me reaching out saying I am struggling (weight fluctuation with pregnancies, keeping a clean house, cooking something edible, keeping a toddler alive, trying to remember I am a human being with needs, etc) with you and will pray for you. :)

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    1. Thank you Olivia! (And thanks for reading!) I agree, it really is hard to juggle all the things...I didn't anticipate it all when we got married, somebody should have warned me! :)

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  3. Yep! Just saying I feel ya... finding that identity balance is SO. HARD sometimes. It takes me forever to adjust too... Praying for you!

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    1. Thank you Kristen, that means a lot. Glad I'm not the only one who feels this way!

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  4. This is really beautiful. I 1000% support you starting a quilt etsy shop, that's a real gift you have. Also you should talk to Mikayla about being at home and also wanting to not be at home.
    Also I love you. See you soon. Please

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  5. Interested in being a CrMS practitioner? ;) I kid! But for real, this mothering and working/not-working stuff is hard. Maj pluses and minuses to both. On top of that, discernment is THE HARDEST. Especially when you're discerning between two not-so-good options or two super-good options. Anyone got a crystal ball I can borrow to see into the future? Hashtag wishful thinking. Keep your chin up, keep talking to the Big Man upstairs, and I bet something will become apparent here soon. Hugs!

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  6. I am still in awe of all you accomplish in one day! Give yourself some credit!! Praying for you!!!

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