Do you ever get the feeling like you want to change anything and everything about you?
I've been feeling that way lately, especially "career"-wise. Don't get me wrong, I realize how much of a blessing it is to be able to work and stay home with Kate. I really, really do. I am in awe of mothers who work outside the home and blog and have kids and make dinner and do all the things because I do very little in addition to working and keeping Kate [barely] alive during the hours of 8:00-5:00.
For example, the above photos show how much of a disaster our house is on a daily basis, and I didn't even take pictures of the worst parts because I was too embarrassed to put them on the internet (ahem, our tiny kitchen full of dirty dishes and an unswept floor, ahem). I also am terrible about meal-planning, staying on top of calendar things & appointments, doing anything remotely constructive with Kate, leaving the house to preserve my sanity, cooking good meals, etc. etc. You get the picture.
I'm not sure if it's the weather, or the slow realization that another year has gone by, but I've just felt dissatisfied with a lot of things in my life the last couple weeks, my job being the primary thing.
Haley wrote this great post awhile ago about feeling like losing your identity when you become a stay at home mom (which of course I can't find now! grrr, sorry). And I get that. I do. But I feel like I'm in this awful in-between place, where I'm not totally abandoning my education because I'm still working, but I feel the pressures of being a stay-at-home-mom because I am home all day with Kate.
It's not like my "career" is fulfilling, either. It's glorified typing and coding at a very basic level. Almost every project is the same, and there are few challenges to keep me motivated. I'm lucky to have it because it's very flexible, good money for the work, and I mostly enjoy the company I work for. But it's not fulfilling.
It's necessary for me to keep working at this point, because frankly we need the money. I'd like to consider getting a different job, something outside our house where I could interact with other adults and be somewhat more engaged, but then I think about how much I'd miss Kate during the day and what it would be like if we're blessed with baby #2 (and so on...) someday, and my heart aches at even the thought of it.
I have all these other side project ideas - like quitting my job to open a quilting shop on Etsy, because few things fulfill me like crafting and I really love creating quilts and patterns of quilts. Like subbing my ebook work for copyediting, which is something I've always loved to do (for free!) but haven't yet.
I've been trying to pray about it, but my heart is so conflicted on what I want that I'm not making much headway. One of those prayer-equivalents of a neon flashing light saying THIS WAY HANNAH would be super appreciated right now, but I'm getting the feeling that's not going to happen.
Perhaps that's what I'm supposed to be learning from this dissatisfied feeling I've been having. Periods of growth sometimes hurt. Not everything is easy-peasy-amazing-heart eye emojis all the time. Motherhood is hard, working from home is hard, lots of things are hard. I'm still learning about who I am, what He's calling me to, where I fit in, and maybe that's going to have to just be okay for now.
While I'm still figuring it all out, say a prayer for me, would you?